N.M.: «You’ve killed yours, you’ve killed yours»

«The thought of the termination is still very painful for me today, and bound up with lots of feelings of guilt.»

«It is not true that with an abortion all the woman’s problems are over. On the contrary! It was frightful! After the abortion the nurse came and pulled bloody gauze out of me. Yards of it! My belly was full of the stuff. When I was back home, I bled like crazy. Psychologically too, I was nothing but a wound. I couldn’t cope with the abortion at all! I had terrible recurrent dreams in which I was looking for my child, whom I had killed. Finally I have to dig it up somewhere, and find it – as a rotting corpse! When I wake up out of the dream, I’m always crying. Recently I had a new fireplace built. Then I dreamed about finding my child dead under the grate. It’s horrible! When we were visiting a family with a baby just a few weeks after the abortion, my heart seized up. It was beating in the rhythm of “You’ve killed yours, you’ve killed yours”. On that evening I longed so indescribably for a child of my own. These feelings keep coming back.»